We have more and more crime problems every year, so where are the police?!?!

Well, I just want to ask a few questions…

Where are the police when I get my doors blown off by a 100mph road-raged mainiac while I am traveling down the road minding my own business?

Where were the cops when I got blown off the road by a STATE POLICE car running over 100mph without any emergency lights or siren on!

Where are the cops when those clueless idiots talking on cell-phones, surfing the net, and shaving all at the same time behind the wheel of their car run me off the road!

Where were the cops when I was broke down on the side of the road for 4 hours waiting for someone to help?

Where were the police when we had a rash of burglaries last summer in the neighborhood?

Where were the cops back in 1989 when I got involved in a riot after a Christian rock concert downtown?

I have found them in many locations, most of which are not really serving the public's need that well (and they aren't doughnut shops either!!!)

Frequently, both local police officers, and state officers can be found hiding up in the bushes alongside major highways and interstates. You see, Police officers have amazing eyesight abilities, and when their radar guns detect that one car in a pack of 8 is running 80mph while the others are doing 65, they can instantly pick out exactly which car gave the numbers on their radar gun. Another amazing ability they have is to instantly propel their car from a dead stop to the speed the violator is running the instant that they drive by them. With this ability, they only need to exceed the speed limit by as much as the speeder is running, and they do not even need to push any traffic out of the way

The officer that is supposed to be patrolling my neighborhood, regularly sits at the Chuch on Dumbarton road…the main road into my subdivision. He's up there making sure some of the things I mention below don't cause major harm to the public!

I have found several sure-fire ways to get a policeman's attention faster than any 911 call!

Let an inspection sticker or license plate run out on your car

Disconnect a tail lamp on your car, a trailer safety chain if you are towing one. The cop won't help you repair the problem, he will just write you a citation for it!

Do any other non-hazardous traffic violations that only deserve a warning like: make a rolling stop, drive less than 5mph over the speed limit, slow down, instead of changing lanes when he's already stopped someone.

And best of all…DON'T STOP after performing any of the above! Everyone knows from the days of watching "Dukes of Hazzard" and "Smokey and the Bandit" that there is nothing police officers love to do more than eating doughnuts! This is to have a high-speed chase!!! It does not matter if they end up endangering the lives of more people, nor does it matter that they have state-wide radios, roadblocks, helicopters, tire slashing pads, etc…they never miss an opportunity to wind their cars up to 140mph on a neighborhood street!

Another one…perform a crime one on one of their own! This is sure to bring out the entire police force, plus members of a few other government divisions out, along with all the forensic and detective agencies, and just about anyone with criminal science background that works for a government! The question is though, if the police have the capabilites to launch an investigation this big when one of their own gets hurt, why don't they do it when an ordinary citizen gets hurt or killed by an an act of crime. After all, isn't the police force out there to protect the CITIZENS?

So, with all this satire about how police do their job wrong, how should they be doing it?

First, Police officers should be traveling with the traffic, in perhaps an unmarked car, and in plain-clothes. That way, the real violators of speeding, inattentive driving, road-rage, and other bad driving acts can be accurately found and apprehended. Most of the time, police officers that are monitoring traffic by the side of the road have absolutely no clue who made the numbers on their radar screen, especially if the traffic is heavy. They also cannot see what else is going on in traffic that needs to be attended to. Most will just pull out of their lair laying rubber and throwing gravel all over the place in a mad dash to catch up with the group of cars whom he believes the violator was in. It's then up to his discretion to pull over the car he thinks made the violation. Typically the driver of a radical, unusual car, such as a customized , high-performance, antique, or a sports car. The appearance of the driver plays a big part too. Unless you are a clean-cut white male or female, chances are you will be pulled if a cop is looking for someone to nail. So don't let that hair grow a little long, or that beard grow out a little, and always wear the finest clothing while driving!

Many people call it "driving while Black" but you can also call it

Driving under the influence of customization

Driving while a Hippie

Driving while gay

Driving while Juvenile

Let's stop the true offenders! The family in the minivan that let their speed drift 5 miles over the limit, or let their license plate run out yesterday are hardly causing a major safety threat to other drivers…I don’t care what you say! On the other hand, the driver that is totally inattentive to the task at hand is a major threat! I am talking about drivers that are doing other things in their car besides driving, like talking on phones, operating computers, reading, performing hygiene activites, etc. Most of the time, it is easy to tell a driver is just not with the program; They don’t see important road signs, and usually get surprised at the last minute when they need to do something, they don't use turn signals, or look in their mirrors before performing actions like turning and changing lanes, they are not traveling with the pace, and can be either dramatically above or below the speed of the rest of the traffic. These drivers are the real threat to our safety on the road! Let's try and clean this mess up!!!

Police officers should be cruising the neighborhood streets, and sort of keeping an eye on any type of foul play going on. Now, I don't mean harassment, but if somebody is climbing through the window of a house, they deserve to be questioned…even if it's me climbing into my own house because I lost my key!

Patrol the twisty little country roads more. I am sure statistics will show you that more wrecks happen along secondary, and back roads than on major roads. Most small roads have sharp turns, blind hills and intersections, and many other hazards. These roads are perhaps where speed can be a problem in avoiding a crash. Yet, where do you see most of the police? They are typically hiding in the bushes along major highways! Major highways that have plenty of straight, level road with good visbility, plenty of room to maneuver, and are by far the safest places to travel. In all the miles I put under my van working, I have yet to encounter an officer enforcing along a 2-lane country road. You bet your permit though they are on major roads like I-95, I-64, US-360, US-460, US-17, and the many other main roads around here in Virginia everyday!

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